For generations, schools and communities have shared the goal of teaching values and character development to the next generation. Character traits that have been upheld as the norm for children and adolescents include responsibility, courage, fairness, honesty, respect, and self-control. It has long been assumed that such efforts would improve the human condition, add deeper meaning to life and affirm the dignity of all individuals. Modesty and sexual morality were also included among these widely taught values, and abstinence until marriage was the expected standard of behavior.
But a significant cultural upheaval in the 1960s and 1970s – often referred to as the Sexual Revolution – led to widespread public questioning, if not outright abandonment, of these values. This ideology advocated that people should be free to have sex without the boundaries of marriage, without commitment, and even without love. Popular media openly promoted the notion that sex with whomever – with or without marital commitment (or even a relationship) – is both normal and desirable as long as there is mutual consent and no one becomes pregnant or acquires a sexually transmitted infection (STI).
The new sexual freedom did not bring about greater happiness as it presupposed. Rather, the fallout from this dramatic shift in values has been profoundly negative, both for individuals and our society as a whole.
Escalating rates of divorce, teen pregnancy, abortion, and single-parent households have become a matter of public record. The rising tide of STIs, including some that were unknown to previous generations, has reached epidemic proportions – often with permanent or even fatal consequences.
In the face of these alarming developments, educational, governmental, and public health organizations have responded with a flood of risk reduction messages, also known as Sexual Risk Reduction (SRR), targeted primarily at teenagers and young adults. These focus on ways to reduce the likelihood of becoming pregnant or infected with an STI, usually by promoting contraceptive/prophylactic methods rather than addressing the issue of premarital sexual activity itself.
There is a constant debate and discussion about what kind of sexuality education youth should receive in the face of these alarming developments. More specifically, the question of whether they should be taught premarital abstinence, (Sexual Risk Avoidance (SRA) Intervention) or reduce the likelihood of becoming pregnant or infected with an STI, usually by promoting contraceptive/prophylactic methods – especially condoms.
Some believe that youth should only be educated to reserve sexual activity for marriage, and they worry that teaching young people about contraception would make them more likely to have sex prematurely (i.e. Abstinence-Only Sexuality Education, SRA). Others are of the opinion that youth are going to be sexually active anyway, and must be guided on how to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy and protect themselves from STI; thereby viewing abstinence-only education as unrealistic and out of step with the times (i.e. Safe Sex or Comprehensive Sexuality Education, SRR).
A thoughtful approach to this issue should take into foremost consideration the target audience of sexuality education: the youth themselves.
Studies have shown that the human brain will only complete its development between the ages of 25 and 30. Children thus do not have the neurobiological capacity to make fully mature or wise decisions until their mid-twenties, simply because their limbic system (the emotional brain) is much more developed than their pre-frontal cortex (the rational brain).1
In the face of emotions and desires that they experience powerfully during adolescence, teenagers are not likely to be able to accurately assess risks and anticipate the consequences of their actions.2 When they find themselves in emotionally charged situations, their more mature limbic system tends to win over their (presently) less developed pre-frontal control system, increasing the likelihood of them engaging in risky behavior 3.
Due to their neurobiological development, young people need the help of parents, teachers or trusted adults to learn how to make rational decisions through repeated, clear and consistent guidance. Parents, in particular, should be the primary people to teach their children sexuality education, according to their own family values (which includes faith traditions, if any).
Parents have the best interests of their children at heart, understand what their kids are ready to learn about and are best placed to initiate and sustain ongoing conversations with them on sexuality in the context of a safe parent-child relationship. Contrary to popular belief, according to a survey of 6,500 young people to date, 79% say that parents should be the primary source of sexuality education above school (7%), the Internet (1%) and friends (1%)—even though only 13% cited parents as their main source of sexuality information in reality4.
Peers can also have a significant impact on youth sexual behavior—for good or ill. Studies have found that students with friends who use substances or alcohol tend to increase their use, but those who participated in peer-led programs to reduce substance or alcohol use are more likely to decrease their use5,6. The same applies to sexual behavior. In fact, youth who perceive that their peers are engaging in sexual activity are more likely to do so themselves,7 with their first sexual encounter happening at a younger age. 8 This link between youth’s perception of their peers’ sexual behavior and their own sexual behavior holds true, especially for boys, across different cultures.9
Understanding brain development, it is not surprising that teenagers experience more social anxiety about feeling left out (“FOMO”–Fear Of Missing Out) or not belonging, and they may behave in certain ways in order to avoid that feeling. As they become more self-aware, they also worry more about what others think about them, which can lead them to be more vulnerable to certain type of negative influences. 2
Youth need awareness and a vision for the benefits of saving sex for the committed love relationship of marriage. Overwhelming evidence proves the positive psychological impact and wellbeing for those who save sex for marriage.10, 11 It is the freedom to be truly known and loved in a lifelong and committed marriage that brings about human flourishing.
Youth need skills, strategies, strength of character and support to refrain from premature sexual activity. To avoid premature sexual activity, young people need an understanding of the dangers and impacts of premarital sexual activity toward themselves and others in terms of physical health, emotional well-being and character development. The effects of adolescent sexual activity include unintended pregnancy, STIs, emotional hurt and potential difficulties in future relationships.
If the message promoting sexual abstinence until marriage is to be effective, it cannot rely merely on “just say ‘no’” slogans or occasional health education classes on STIs. It must be reinforced in a variety of ways – at home, in school and in the community. Families, schools, faith communities, youth organisations, government and media must make intentional, collaborative and focused efforts to foster the character development of our youth. Schools that undertake character education in a focused, consistent and comprehensive way usually display improved student behaviors, a more civil and caring community and improved academic performance.
Even business and other community groups should invest in helping youth develop the kind of character that will enable them to become honest and productive workers, good neighbors, caring spouses and parents and responsible citizens.
Since adolescents tend to find it more difficult than adults to make logical decisions in the midst of strong emotions and desires, how can sexuality education help young people avoid making choices they later regret?
In view of youth’s developmental needs, the type of sexuality education that best serves them is one that can equip them — together with their community of peers — with age-appropriate information and handles. Youth-centric sexuality education should be geared toward developing sexual intelligence in young people, so they are empowered to make smart sexual decisions that benefit them and others, both in the short-term and the long run. In fact, sexuality education that enables them to postpone their first sexual encounter to a later age, when they can fully understand the consequences of their decisions, would produce better outcomes for.12
Those who advocate teaching youth to use contraception are concerned about protecting them from sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unintended pregnancies. Let’s look at the most common contraception – condoms. How effective is this approach?
So will intentionally teaching youth how to use condoms ensure their consistent and correct usage, or does it have the unintended effect of encouraging them to engage in risky sexual behavior due to their underdeveloped pre-frontal lobes? There is a phenomenon called risk compensation: people tend to lower their guard and are more willing to engage in risky behavior when they believe that their risk has been reduced by technology.19 For example, people who use sunscreen tend to stay out longer in the sun20 and traffic-related deaths increased after compulsory seatbelt laws were introduced.21 A feeling of one’s vulnerability being lowered leads to a rise in careless behavior. There was also a recent study that showed a change in sexual risk behavior after 6 months of HIV pre-exposure prophylaxis use (preventive treatment) that may lead to higher STI incidence via behavioral risk compensation.22
Similarly, sexuality education that has an emphasis on promoting condom usage can inadvertently increase — instead of decrease — sexual activity (including multiple sexual partners) and unprotected sexual exposure (due to inconsistent and incorrect, or “careless,” usage) among youth.23, 24
In other words, sexuality education that focuses on contraception use, coupled with youth’s lower ability to assess risk accurately, can lead to youths:
We need to acknowledge that in this digital age when most youth can access all kinds of information from social media and online platforms that are hard to regulate or censor, it is highly likely that they would already received some kind of information about condoms – whether or not it is accurate or holistic.
Thus, it is our responsibility to fully inform the youth of these facts about contraception:
This should cause us to rethink sexuality education that focuses on contraception use.
It is noteworthy that, instead of condom promotion, 150 global AIDS experts came together to advocate for an evidence-based approach to prevent HIV/AIDS transmission by adopting the A-B-C method: Abstain, Be faithful/ reduce partners, use Condoms24—in that order.
In the Lancet Consensus,25 “The signers do not believe it is sound public health policy to give the exact same priority to one message (condom use) to teens who have not begun to be sexually active and to persons working in commercial sex. All the truth should be conveyed, but ‘abstinence plus’, (SRR) programs have to be “abstinence centered” and not just programs that add condom information to abstinence promotion at the same level. This is crucial to avoid the slippery slope of risk compensation.26”
Consent education assumes that when more young people understand what informed consent means and how to respect their partner’s verbalized boundaries, this will mitigate instances in which the sexual boundaries are crossed. While teaching youth about informed consent is important, it is insufficient in itself.
Behavior does not become beneficial to youth simply because all the parties involved consent to it. In the complex dynamics of relationships and real-life situations, it is not unthinkable to agree to something even against one’s better judgment. Considering adolescents’ (lack of) neurobiological capacity for making rational decisions, assessing risks, and predicting the consequences of their actions, as well as their anxiety-driven desire for acceptance and belonging, teenagers may all the more find themselves consenting to participate in something that is not objectively good for them or their partner.
Effective consent education needs to factor in an objective benchmark to assess whether a behavior is positive or harmful — and that makes the teaching of values an indispensable part of any sexuality education that considers youth’s holistic well-being. Sexual decision-making should include factual information about healthy emotional, physical, and psychological boundaries, based on universal virtues of integrity, love, and respect (for self and others), as well as character traits of self-regulation, responsibility, and resilience. Furthermore, it ought to include parental rights to educate their children about sexual decisions and boundaries according to their family and faith values.
What, then, is the more responsible approach given youths’ current developmental stage: teaching youth risk reduction (SRR) until they have the ability to fully understand their actions or risk elimination (SRA)?
An evidence-based, youth-centric approach to sexuality education entails informing youth that abstaining from all sexual activity (until marriage) is the 100% safest and most effective way to protect themselves from the negative physical, emotional and psychological consequences of adolescent sexual activity.
At a time of their lives when young people are not yet fully capable of accurately assessing risk and anticipating consequences, they should be taught to avoid risk rather than to reduce risk.
Intoxicated people are not completely able to make rational decisions because their executive functions have been impaired by the effects of alcohol. Is it safer to teach them how to wear seatbelts properly while driving (risk reduction), or to instruct them to not drive at all (risk elimination)? To be sure, they should be made aware of seatbelts, but the more responsible thing to do is to educate them to not get behind the steering wheel if they wish to drink.
As adults — parents and/or educators — it is our responsibility to ensure our youth avoid sexual risk altogether. They are too precious for us to allow them to take a gamble with their lives and sexual well-being.
As mental health challenges faced by youth today are on the rise,27 abstinence has never been a more important and sexually intelligent choice for youth. It is not only a foolproof way to prevent STIs and pregnancies, it also safeguards young people’s emotional and mental well-being.
The chemicals released in the brain during sexual activity create emotional bonds between sexual partners, and breaking these bonds can lead to depression and make it more difficult for them to bond with someone else, like their spouse, in the future.29
Despite divorce being on the rise, young people still have high aspirations towards marriage and family formation, with 8 in 10 young singles aspiring to get married and have children.32 Youth should therefore be informed that sexual abstinence until marriage can increase their chances of experiencing a better quality of life and stronger quality of marriage.
Sexual abstinence and future marriage:
There are some who find sexual abstinence an archaic concept and purport that teaching youth to abstain until marriage is unrealistic, whether because of hormones, family background, situational circumstances, or previous experience. However, the facts suggest otherwise.
Well-designed and well-implemented abstinence education programs have been found to result in delayed sexual initiation, reduced early sexual activity33, and significant long-term decrease in teenage sexual activity.34
Students tend to overestimate their peers’ sexual permissiveness, with the sexually active students using this misperception of the prevalence of sexual activity among their peers to justify their own sexual permissiveness. Actually, most respondents held sexually conservative attitudes.35 In other words, sexual abstinence may be more of a norm than we think and a more realistic expectation of youth sexual attitudes and behaviors. Studies on abstinence education, particularly with youth abstinence pledges, also showed improved academic achievement.36
No Apologies adopts the abstinence-until-marriage (SRA) approach as it is the best and healthiest sexual decision for everyone. This is, in fact, the same message that is universally taught in connection with other high-risk behaviors, including smoking, drinking, illicit drug use, and violence. Abstaining from all high-risk behaviors – including premarital sexual activity – protects our future and allows greater freedom for us to pursue friendships, goals, dreams, and optimal health.
For youth who have been previously sexually active, helping them to live out a (re)commitment to sexual abstinence can be very empowering and provide a newfound sexual freedom.
No Apologies believes the best approach to sexuality education today is to develop sexual intelligence in our youth. Sexuality education that is research-informed, responsible, relevant, and realistic for youth is one that takes into account their developmental stage and needs, so that they can be given the best age-appropriate handles to make sexually intelligent decisions. It entails teaching them to take the approach of risk avoidance or elimination. Such an approach ultimately leads to the best outcomes for the short and longer-term health and well-being of our youth.37
While abstinence and sexual purity were easily accepted and even embraced in the 80s and 90s, it’s not a simple message these days because our youth are bombarded with varied views on sexuality. There is a greater acceptance of behaviors which were once considered immoral – premarital sex, cohabitation, viewing pornography, gender fluidity, and even polyamorous relationships (open intimate or romantic relationships with more than one person at a time).
On top of this, prominent news sources and experts39 are constantly reporting on the failures of abstinence education.40 Before we get overwhelmed by these reports, let it be known that there is always a personal and political bias when it comes to such research. In fact, much of this research admits that abstinence-only programs have had a positive impact, and we have the research to prove it as well.37
However, teaching abstinence and sexual purity alone is insufficient. Juli Slattery said: “No form of ‘sex education’ is going to ultimately keep teenagers from engaging in sexual activity. We live in a world where sexual experimentation, viewing sexually explicit shows, and engaging with pornography have become accepted norms. We have a sexually permissive and explicit culture targeting teens and young adults. Add to that the impact of smart phones, streaming technology, and the delay of marriage and you have a toxic recipe that seems practically impossible to stand against.”
As No Apologies facilitators, we need to maintain quality teaching that is research-informed, responsible, relevant, and realistic, and we need to move away from shaming and fear-based presentation. Abstinence programs have positively impacted many youths because we are not simply teaching sexual abstinence until marriage and delaying sexual activities, but empowering youth to envision their future with long-term goals, build positive character traits, and develop healthy relationships. While these programs are not all-encompassing, they definitely help in increasing the likeliness of strong families and marriages.
We need to move away from the confusion and disillusionment created by flawed messages about abstinence programs like the promise of “great sex” and a happy marriage if you abstain; or your sexuality (like an “on/off” button) should lie dormant until you are married; or the consequences of premarital sex is irreversible (fear-base teaching); or purity is an issue for singles only.
The pressure and struggles of sexual purity are more complex than simply abstaining from having sex. Sexual purity is more than just what you do, it’s who you are! It may be expressed by what you do with your body (abstaining from sex), but it is ultimately rooted in your mind, heart, and soul. Our temptations don’t define us. We need to teach youth that while we cannot control what enters our minds, we can definitely decide what stays.
Abstinence and sexual purity is still an important message. The true value of a youth’s choice is not in the reward of great marriage and sex in the future, but the formation of positive character traits, self-esteem, and identity that will empower them to say no to negative influences, risky behaviors, and, yes, even sex before marriage. Sexual purity is rooted in a deeper understanding of who you are.
You are uniquely you – as male or female – whole, valuable, with unique traits, created for healthy relationships.
We encourage youth to sign the pledge card as an external symbol of their commitment towards abstinence and purity. A longitudinal study done in Malaysia41 has shown almost 92% of respondents who sign the abstinence pledge (up to 7 years) have kept their pledge. The positive data demonstrates that with awareness, knowledge, and a gentle challenge, young people can be empowered to make wise choices, and the abstinence pledge is a simple but yet powerful mechanism to help them act and follow through on the choice they have made.
However, a pledge and any short-term programs are not fully equipped to help our youth navigate through and stand up against the internal and external pressures they are facing. We need parents, mentors, and stakeholders in youth ministries and schools to continue to teach and model positive principles that will help our youth develop sexual intelligence, and empower them to make informed choices to live their lives whole, with no regrets and with no apologies.
The No Apologies curriculum will be far more successful in impacting teens if you engage partners in the message. If a message promoting sexual abstinence until marriage is to be effective, it cannot rely merely on “just say no” slogans or occasional health education classes on STIs. It must be multi‑dimensional and reinforced in a variety of ways over a period of years, both in school and at home. Families, schools, faith communities, youth organizations, government, businesses, and media must make intentional, collaborative, and focused efforts to foster the character development of the young so they can become honest and productive workers, good neighbors, caring spouses and parents, and responsible citizens.
Whether you are a concerned parent, educator, or youth worker, here are some ways everyone can play a part:
No one knows your child like you do, and no ‘expert’ can communicate your values better than you. When it comes to your child, you are the expert!
Teens want reassurance that their parents understand what they are going through. Parent-child connectedness, along with clearly stated expectations for behavior, has been found to be a key factor in reducing all forms of high-risk activity.42
It is critical that both parents and educators be prepared to provide solid answers to tough but legitimate questions teens ask about sex, love, and relationships in ways that promote well-reasoned decisions, positive values, and ultimately, a healthy future.
It is not unusual to find that when schools undertake character education in a focused, consistent and comprehensive way, student behavior improves, the school becomes a more civil and caring community and academic performance improves.
No Apologies teaches that premature sexual activity is destructive toward oneself and others. It poses a grave threat to young people’s physical health, including teenage pregnancy and its consequences (children having children, millions of teen abortions around the world each year), STIs and possible long-term health consequences such as loss of fertility.
While condoms may reduce some of the physical risks of premature sexual activity, serious health risks remain. Regardless of sexual orientation or who one’s partner is, the best way for young people to avoid AIDS and other STIs is to refrain from sexual activity until they commit to a mutually faithful monogamous relationship—marriage.
Therefore, No Apologies addresses the question of “How far is too far?” by giving clear guidelines to help young people draw boundaries in physical intimacy.
Sex involves more than just the physical body; the entire, multi-dimensional person is involved – mind, body, heart, and soul. Thus, the destructive effects of adolescent sexual activity include emotional hurt and potential difficulty in future relationships.
Temporary sexual relationships and sexual activity by unmarried people carry negative psychological consequences. Safer sex does not protect against the emotional effects of premarital sexual activity. The consequences of cohabitation – the act of staying together as a trial phase of marriage or out of convenience – undermine the very ingredient necessary for strong marriages: commitment.
No Apologies teaches young people the meaning of love. It is more than a feeling, but a commitment which cares for the other more than one’s self. Sex is not the same as love; in fact, waiting until marriage to have sex is a sign of true love and adds to a stable, mature relationship. A key component of relationship education is teaching boundaries and refusal skills to help teens withstand peer pressure to engage in sexual activity and other high-risk behaviors.
Sexual behavior is determined by values rather than by mere knowledge. Therefore, No Apologies educates young people about the moral dimensions of sexual conduct and provides them with the skills, strategies, and strength of character to apply core ethical values of respect, responsibility, and self-control in the sexual domain.
No Apologies helps develop the young person’s ethical reasoning needed to recognize that having protected sex is not a responsible act. It equips the young person with media literacy, the ability to think critically about all forms of media, and filter messages that portray a wrong image of love, relationships, and sex. It teaches the meaning of chastity, which is more than not having sexual intercourse (the physical act), but is a lifestyle which embraces purity of mind, heart, and body.
The curriculum is thought-provoking and uses carefully interpreted data and ethical reasoning to guide teens toward right decisions about sex. It teaches young people the principle that it is morally irresponsible to take serious, unnecessary risks with one’s own or another person’s physical, emotional or spiritual welfare through premature sexual activity. Decision-making skills are taught so that teens can make decisions that are congruent with their values and aligned with good character, even in the face of peer pressure and media influence.
Most importantly, it helps young people make healthy decisions with their future in mind. With long-term goals and a vision for marriage, they have reason to save sexual intimacy for the one they want to spend the rest of their lives with. They are taught the rewards of waiting – both immediate and for the future – and that all good things are worth waiting for.
“The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The next best time is now.”
– African proverb
It is never too late for a young person to make the right decision to save sex for marriage. Through this program, you will have the opportunity to take teens on a journey where they will hopefully encounter truths that lead them to a new and better destination, a life with no apologies.
Facilitating No Apologies workshops is life-changing!
The program will not only challenge your students; it will also challenge you. Young people are constantly watching if adults themselves uphold and defend the principles that reflect a philosophical and professional commitment to abstinence until marriage and fidelity in marriage.
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